I will be posting some entries from my diary on my website journal. These are personal entries. #1 was written on the plane back from the United States in April this year. During the flight I realized I had to abandon the music industry and find a new way. It was the birth of Journeys.
April 14th 2014
No Compass, no Timetable, no Promise
This point now, so unchartered.
I must strip myself down again bare to my bones, look for the edge of the earth, fall off its side, down its great ravines, its endless waterfalls, through the darkest matter and its silence and accept only dimly burning stars as company.
I will make a parent of the compass and accept its guidance . There are suns I have never seen, vastnesses I have never fathomed, thoughts my deepest imagination has no inkling of. I sense deeply how short our time is. It is only our transience that makes us poetic.
I have wrestled and put to bed so many of the things I am meant to want – security, stable income, mortgages, belongings. Things that cause happiness, things that cause distress, things that make lives, and things that shatter dreams. There is no way but your own, but to follow that way does take resilience and a bucket load of stupidity. I am attracted to shadows, even as I long for the light. But ultimately what moves me to my deepest core is humanity, to touch upon it, to be with it, to be kindred with it.
I have no idea really why – I just know that I wish to fall upon it – that I have always felt outside it. I have come so far, and I have tasted so much, but I want to know more. I know that the great hero stories are the ones we never hear about. I just want to touch up on them, seek them, press my ear against their heart beat, listen to their pulse – be revived by them.
Ideals be damned, they have all failed. I can´t believe in anything as heightened as an ideal. I think it is only in the dust we find greatness – those stories untold, that suffering unconceivable, that kindness one can only know when one has lost.
As for me, I have accepted my losses. I am at one with my gains. The question is simply what now? And all i know is that it can only be answered by the journey. That is the journey of our lives, the one we all must make, and the one that i give myself to afresh.
I have no expectation of it. I am not asking for it to give me the best or the worst. I just want to explore what can be done with these hands, what can be seen by these eyes, what can be understood by this mind, and what can be loved by this human heart.
I have no vow to make, no pledge to give, no time table, no compass, promise, or path. I just have the knowledge that only once you have been utterly humbled by life are you truly ready to begin. And it is at this point, and with love, that I feel finally ready to begin my journey.