2015/09/25

A CONVERSATION WITH A FRIEND CALLED DOUBT

A late night chat with some of the questions which seem to be circling presently…

What place doubt inhabits in us? Is it friend? Is it foe? Whatever, it is a companion to all except the steeliest of minds. And even in that case, it is worse for its absence – there is nothing so foolhardy as a mind without, at least, some partnership with doubt. I write of it, because I am within it. I am a fool for the arts, but the arts is a fools path. Or at least it feels that way. I know I am not alone in that. It is an extension of the life of the underground. It is a path without a planned end, or a destiny which you can control. There are points, especially in youth, when there is feeling of indestructibility, where one is convinced that the marriage of will and belief will only have one end. And it is a rite of passage of age, to see certain illusions as what they are; temporary. And in that new space of maturity we learn something of the true nature of life. Of the fact that we are not in control, that things are not fixed, and mostly do not turn out as we hope or expect. Our adaptability to these realities defines us, makes us who we are. We reject doubt. We hate it. Run from it. Attempt to make lists and good habits to dispel it. But often, if we would only chose to listen to it, we find that it has so many answers. And they are so often beautiful. Doubt is alway there before a junction, before a crossroads, before a turning point. It is doubt that guides us – which presents the options, and which, if we allow it to, allows us to chose the right road for our life. As for me, I feel riddled with doubt at this point. Do I have the courage to see this project through? Can we get enough shows to make the Russian journey work? Why the hell is it that life calls me to the deepest Siberian winter at this point in my life? Why journey towards uncertainty in one’s life, rather than to stability? I don’t have the answers to these questions. I just have the doubt at this point. There is no particular sense or order to things. Yet I do know that I must accept doubt as my companion if I am to continue at this point. My project depends on an affirmation of doubt, rather than a negation of it. So at this point, I will continue my little conversation with doubt, and believe that ultimately, he will turn out a friend….

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